Sorting and purging my entire lifetime’s
worth of ‘stuff’ was a tall order with only two (theoretical) months to live.
There was, however, some success:
I bundled my half-composed songs and burnt
them to CD.
I compiled my book and sent if off to the
printer; It’s a kind of Tolkien Bestiary of Mollydays for my son Oscar.
Photo’s backed up… TICK. My computer is now
allowed to explode.
And then there was… the STUFF CULL!
The unearthing process was draining, and
amazing. After a lifetime of collecting souvenirs
of my travels and thoughts, I reaslised, I really don’t need to hold onto the
physical mementos of past. I know my
diary scribblings were profound revelations at the time. But these revelations mean little out of
context (see tragic poetry).
Whether I hold onto these diaries or not, I
seem inescapably bound to having the same realisations over and over: New
contexts shedding light on re-occurring themes.
For me, I discovered, there is no such
thing as what is “True” there is only “What is true now”.
I did, however, unearth some cringe-worthy
teenage poetry. I found it tightly
rolled and stuffed inside a wooden bead, then deadlocked in a box with no key. For what, I do not know. Perhaps I thought the future ramifications of
my amazing poetry were too much for the world to bear.
*CRINGE* Thank god you can't read it!
What is really magic about things scribbled
in diaries is less the words and more the moments of being kept up all night thrashing
out an exciting idea. That feeling of
FLOW when all experiences and ideas fuse for an "Ah HA" moment.
Most importantly, I decided that I want to
be the kind of person who always
gets out of bed and turns the light on for these moments, no matter how my
sleepy limbs protest.
I had a garage sale. I hung out with one of my dearest old friends
and a wonderful new neighbor. It was a
great day. Getting rid of these things felt fantastic.
Last Words
I am now left with 11 Days to complete my
emotional legacy on this planet. It
doesn’t seem like enough time, but I guess it is more than some people
get. If I really had 11 days to live I
think I would be hunkering down with my loved ones and maybe having a farewell
party.
I would like to be the kind of person who
holds no grudges and who speaks with sentences that would stand as the last
thing I ever said to people. In this
next 11 days I will reflect on the people who have impacted my life and
consider what is left unsaid.
There are some people who I need to apologise
to.
There are other people who I need to
forgive (even just silently to myself).
I hope you will join me in reflecting for a
few moments and ask yourself “If I died right now, which relationships in my
life would I feel unsatisfied leaving the way they stand, right now”.
Do you want to change that?
I’m not sure if I do… But I’ll give it a
go.
well done jolly molly, I found the same thing with 2 bog boxes of journals that repeat the same themes and realisations and yet I couldn't throw them out, so I bought a double sided scanner and started to digitised them, but then i realised I was spending my present on the past, and all the journals said 'live in the present. So they are still in boxes, but I'm not.
ReplyDeleteAlso, seeing as you're fictitiously dying soon, may I just say, the times I spent with you, I hold dear, and there are no regrets, for you have become a blossomed lotus of goodness and I'm happy to see you're life go so well with a great hubby and little one. there will always be things left unsaid in life but I doubt anyone who knows you would think anything but that you loved them, forgave them, and meant only well. see you in the ether ;-) peace
ps tell John Lennon it's ok if he wants to reincarnate and come and have a beverage of some kind with me. cheers
That's awesome Paul. What a fantastic find in your old journals.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words. I'm starting to feel guilty about all the lovely things people are saying to me. You are a star Paul and one of those inspirational people that has ripple effects on all who stand nearby.
P.s. If I see John Lennon I'll tell him he should do that...and while he's at it, let George write more songs and don't mercilessly lead-on Brian Epstein.